It is rare in this country to find two built-up areas with such equally
matched populations separated by such a small distance, in our case a
much valued 12 mile strip of land called the Golden Valley, now thankfully
reinforcedagainst housing expansion by the concrete trench of the M5.
Added to this unfortunate proximity the two are very different in atmosphere,
architecture, outlook, economics, image and in virtually every way imaginable.
The rivalry between the two is not just about football by any means. It
is also played out in political, economic and cultural spheres, although
football has certainly been the central arena of the mutual local antipathy
for some. One day those derbies will come back and then, then how much
greater will be our triumph...
The Reasons why Gloucester is Better than Ch#*tenham
(1) Gloucester City - Ch@#tenham Town, City-Town, hmm, need I go on.
(2) We are the County town- Ch@#tenham is just an unfortunate, but minor, part of the Greater Gloucester empire. Look at the maps and I think you'll find no "Ch@#tenhamshire". The whole thing obviously bothers the poor deluded individuals at Whaddon who seem to think their pitiful chants of "Ch@#tenhamshire" don't actually draw attention to their inferiority complex.
(3) On a similar track, a careful look at Ch@#tenham postcodes will reveal a GL prefix, an amusing little pointer as to exactly who bosses who. I know it hurts when they have to write it, and I like that...
(4) Modern Gloucester was based around the good honest work of manufacturing and trade. Gloucester Docks is the largest inland port in the country, and was an important railway junction. The city has a proud engineering history making railway wagons and more recently the pioneering Gloucester Gladiator and Meteor aeroplanes.
(5) Ch@#tenham meanwhile was based around of all things, a spa. How poncey do you want to get? And it was discovered by pigeons. Probably because the locals wouldn't recognise a spa if it was pouring onto their feet.
.(6) To further add to the disgrace of Ch@#tenham's early history the spa only became prominent because of George III, otherwise well known as lunatic Mad King George who preferred the 'company' of farm animals. The water at the spa was scientifically tested and found to be inferior in every quality to that of the lesser known Gloucester spa, just an early example of Ch@#tenham's lying habits and their practice of always putting appearance and facade before substance and fact ...
(7) Gloucester meanwhile has a proud history that pre-dates the arrival of the Romans who used Glevum as a base and commercial centre. The Romans meanwhile used Ch@#tenham to dump rubbish on. The Romans were after all a truely civilised and cultured people.
(8) Gloucester has the world's finest example of a Norman gothic Cathedral with the tomb of a King of England. Ch@#tenham has some posh shops.
(9) The superiority of Gloucester is pointed out to children around the globe with Beatrix Potter's tale "The Tailor of Gloucester" and the nursery rhyme "Humpty Dumpty". The rhyme of Humpty Dumpty refers to the giant siege engine used by the King to try and break into Parliamentarian Gloucester during the English Civil War. The siege engine broke and the spirit of Gloucester's people didn't. While Gloucester's reputation for being 'ard long suffering radicals dates back to this time, Ch@#tenham couldn't be bothered to even exist (and if they had they'd have given up).
(10) Modern Ch@#tenham is just as weak-willed and work shy. While Gloucester maintains its manufacturing tradition at Du Pont and Birdseye-Walls, Ch@#tenham's main industries are theft and extortion (or insurance as it gets called these days). They are so proud of this despised trade that their football side has even carried Endsleigh as a shirt sponsor! (Costing Endsleigh at least one customer, think on those who sponsor the eveil doers...)
(11) Gloucester is a tourist centre with some of the West's most visited attractions in the Cathedral, Docks and National Waterways Museum amongst others. The city often welcomes throngs of foreign visitors. Ch@#tenham's idea of foreigners are visitors from Churchdown.
(12) Ch@#tenham is best known for a posh girl's school and a racecourse. At least we're (in)famous for something a little more exciting. And if you're going to get an international reputation for horrific perversion I guess there's no point in doing it by half measures....
(13) Gloucester is in the West Country and bloody well proud of it. Ch@#tenham is in a cultural limbo, constantly trying to deny its own identity with a well heeled accent and a stucco finish. For God's sake they prefer to be associated with the Brummie Midlands. What the hell's that about?
(14) In Gloucester what you see is what you get - there are some dodgy areas but we don't pretend otherwise. Try going to Ch@#tenham's Pittville, Whaddon or Hester's Way and see how the image of middle English affluence feels then. Typical Ch@#tenham, all posh frock and no knickers. It's a rough miserable place to live and don't let any amount of Britain in Bloom awards convince you otherwise.
(15) Ch@#tenham's football team wins things -we all know the true fun in football is seeing all your hopes cruelly dashed at the last minute, repeatedly. From adversity comes strength and loyalty. How easy it is to support a winning side, Ch@#tenham's fans are a bunch of bandwagon jumpers with no tradition or concept of real fan's sufferings.
(16) City's fans are not only loyal and passionate- they're loud and creative. Ch@#tenham have three chants, two pinched from us, which they then sing at such a meek volume you strain yourself to hear them over the sound of the burger fryers coming on.
(17) Ch@#tenham pinch our players all the time when they were good. We get there's once they're crap (with honourable exceptions). This behaviour is just unforgivable bad manners.
(18) The Football League's just over rated. Who wants to have all those worries of traveling up to Cumbria, or worrying how you're going to park at home matches. I'm much happier trying to find our next away fixture on large scale OS maps of the West Midlands. (Was that convincing?)
(19) Erm, well - Robins get eaten by Tigers.
(20) Look. Gloucester is just great and Ch@#tenham is an utter sh#te hole. If you can't feel it in your veins, you're just not ever going to get it. And I'm afraid this makes you a bad person. Go on, get out of my sight.